online birthday coupons

[Fredia]

good stuff. got a free ryans buffet, 20 per cent off at pay less and my birthday is not even here yet. i am go glad i came into the age of electronic communicastion

[Alkie]

Fredia, you seem like a really, really nice person.   So I'm not going to respond to this post.

Shit.

[Bench]

Uhh... I'm with Alkie on this one.  Wow.

[Alkie]

Fredia,

I am a Serbian duchess who has been searching for someone from Zwolle to name as an heiress to my throne-like-thing.   Ever since the fall of General Tlteplan in 1918, my family has been in control of the interior coast of Serbiana.   We control a solid 32.4% of all the detergent mines and have the rights to a machine that turns dogfarts into orgasms.   We imagine this technology will make us quite richer some day.

It is with tremendous pride that I have discovered you on this website.   

For 11 years, I have been posting under the fictitious name, Alkie.  Carefully crafting a persona so unbelievable that some people on this site believe that I have moved from Austin to Georgetown to start a restaurant to El Paso to become a CPA to Houston to be start a large financial services consulting firm and then finally, most recently, to NYC inexplicably to hobnob with innerwizards and MLB execs.   All of this was an attempt to ferret you out as a fraud, but this post above and your non-response to my non-response was the final proof.

So, today, I come clean as Tchariana, the sworn grand duchess of Interior Coastal Serbiana.   And I want to name you as my successor.   The person must be wise to the ways of the interwebs, enjoy Louisi-Mex food from towns named inexplicably after smaller towns in the Netherlands, and have the good sense to post very real pictures of their family members on anonymous forums.   

I will send you a first class coach ticket on the airline of your choice from Zwolle International Airport to  Tlteplan Honourable Intergalaxtic Airpad here in Tlteplanvilleburgh.    You and your family will be well fed and fellated.   Upon completion, you will be put into ceremonial clothing and placed into a jacuzzi plated with gold and filled with cheap American lager.   You will be named Grand Duchess and all I survey will be yourn. 

Please accept this McDonald's-flavoured potato-and-sugar-flavoured fry-product as a gesture of my genuineliness and awesomeausity (two words my spell checker amazing did not draw a red line under).   

However, as I'm sure you would imagine, I will need your address to send these helicopter tickets.   Also, because it is customary for the incoming Grand Duchess to receive a money order for MF$1.57 (one motherfuckin' dollar and fifty seven motherfuckin' centavos) as well as a Swedish flatpacker box full of particle furniture, I will need your bank account number, routing number, credit card number, social security number, and age at which you lost your earthly virginity.   Feel free to post all this information here in this forum.  I have encrypted this thread so that only you and I can read it.  Fear not.   

So, in closing, I want to thank everyone else from Kev and Scott's Astros Connection, Orange Whoopanus, and Spears-n-Stuff-n-Things-n-Whatnot for playing along with the Alkie character for so long.   To my common law wife, whom I met through Astros Connection, my sincere apologies.  You should have known that any penis that large was clearly fake.   To the people who hired me to write that column for your poorly conceived website in 2000, my sincere apologies.   You should have known that the dot com era was a sham.   To all the countless women I've met through this site anonymously and never met in person, but brought to orgasm through beautiful word poetry via private message and MSN Messenger (now in version 10.9! with more bacon!), my sincere apologies.  I faked all those words.    To everyone who read Alkie's Series Previews, my sincere apologies.  I never once posted a true fact, have yet to try what you refer to as "beer," and have, in fact, never once seen another woman's vagina.   Including my common law wife.

You all will miss me.   But not as much as you will miss Fredia, Grand Honourable Duchess  of Interior Coastal Serbiania and Heiress to the Crown of Madagascar.   Unfortunately, the only internet usage the Grand Duchess may use forward going is the posting on a similar but completely different forum site in the search for her own replacement.   I was told my replacement would be posing as someone mildly interested in Astros baseball, but I can give Fredia the benefit of knowledge.   Her replacement will be a foodie with a hardon for kim chi and who posts out of Tacoma on chowhounds.   

On behalf of Duchess Fredia of Zwolle and the character you came to know as "Alkie," I bid you Hotdamn and a greasy Serbian goodbye.

[Mr. Happy]

So you're going to pull a pravata and change your name? Nominated anyway.

[Alkie]

So you're going to pull a pravata and change your name? Nominated anyway.

I assume you mean Fredia.   Because otherwise, she won't be allowed to post here anymore for fear of losing the crown.

[Waldo]

For 11 years, I have been posting under the fictitious name, Alkie.  Carefully crafting a persona so unbelievable that some people on this site believe that I have moved from Austin to Georgetown to start a restaurant to El Paso to become a CPA to Houston to be start a large financial services consulting firm and then finally, most recently, to NYC inexplicably to hobnob with innerwizards and MLB execs.

You left off the part about majoring in zoology.  I mean, if that doesn't throw people off...

[Alkie]

You left off the part about majoring in zoology.  I mean, if that doesn't throw people off...

I don't know how you remember that, but that was in 1994-1995 before I had any idea these sites existed.

[GreatBagwellsBeard]

Wait, you have a technology that turns dog farts into orgasms?  Are those dog orgasms or person orgasms?

I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

[Fredia]

since all my children where born from immaculate conception and i would not know how to handle the great wealth .. i sadly must abdicate the thrown so magnanimously offered by the reigning king.. rest sure in the knowledge i considered your offer long and hard.. and if you want to share any bank account numbers with me please feel free to do so.. as i am a cat person i am not interested in any way or form in dog farts..

[JackAstro]

immaculate conception... abdicate... magnanimously... reigning

So, you have been fucking with us.

[MRaup]

So, you have been fucking with us.

Right up until

sadly must abdicate the thrown so magnanimously offered by the reigning king

[Alkie]

So, you have been fucking with us.

Fools.   All of you.

[hostros7]

So, you have been fucking with us.

Maybe she doesn't start drinking until after 3 pm on the first Monday of alternating months and on 10th anniversary's of the deaths of French monarchs born in the 17th century that reigned for periods longer than 16 years?

[JackAstro]

Fools.   All of you.

Oh, we harbor no illusions, just waiting for the crack in the fassad.

[VirtualBob]

Oh, we harbor no illusions, just waiting for the crack in the fassad.

fassad?  Is that the fake front of the building where the Israeli secret service works?

[JackAstro]

fassad?  Is that the fake front of the building where the Israeli secret service works?

Stay focused on what/who we're talking about.

[Alkie]

Stay focused on what/who we're talking about.

Me, right?

[chuck]

fassad?  Is that the fake front of the building where the Israeli secret service works?

You know what? That's pretty good. I'm not going to nominate it or anything because I'd be encouraging these clowns to further monkeyshines, but yeah, nice one.