Contributed by: GreatBagwellsBeard
One of the pseudo-benefits of working on a trade floor is the round-the-clock tv’s that hang from the ceiling. When the situation warrants, they can be tuned in to something genuinely interesting that provides a brief distraction from the usual drudgery. March Madness? It’s on CBS. Major golf tourney? You bet we’re on NBC or ESPN. But most of the time, we’re treated to two channels: The Weather Channel and MSNBC.
Daytime MSNBC is all financial crap, bottle blondes reading teleprompter tips over the hypnotic tickers forever scrolling scrolling scrolling. For some reason, Ashton Kutcher was on last week. Probably something about Steve Jobs. It’s white noise with white guys in bad suits. It’s the channel most likely to be changed when there’s a compelling reason.
And then there’s The Weather Channel. At this particular moment, there are two shirtless dudebro types prospecting for gold somewhere hot and dusty. The array of programming after 9am on TWC is just mind boggling: masturbatory self-promotion from the storm dummies, the thinnest possible premises for reality shows (you try making cross-country trucking compelling enough to watch for 30 minutes straight), and the commercials. Oh, the commercials. They’ve got their elderly retiree and agoraphobic shut-in demographic in the crosshairs, and they’ve flipped the switch to full auto fire mode. Self-lubricating catheters? YOU BET. Boner pills? EVERY HOUR. Showers with railings? OH INDEED. Every day, I watch Ethel from Boca Raton testify, with complete sincerity, about how “Now, I can have a bath!”
I guess by comparison, the trucking show actually is thrilling. But to make the most tenuous connection to our subject at hand, catching TWC out of the corner of my eye a few times a day is what the Astros season so far feels like. The chances that I’m going to see something that shakes my faith in humanity, encapsulating our frailty and what passes for our entertainment is about the same for Gamecast on Astros.com as it is at 2pm on The Weather channel.
I can barely bring myself to bridge the emotional distance by turning on the tv for Astros games at this point. Seeing the bullpen implode as expressed through tiny red and blue circles on an app or a website is more impersonal, more remote. I think I like it that way, actually.
Tuesday, August 13th
9:05 PM CT, O.co Coliseum
Jordan Lyles (4-6, 5.40) v. Bartolo Colon (14-4, 2.75)
Lyles gets his first start against the A’s. He faced Chris Young, and Chris Young won, to the tune of .556/.556/1.000. Ouch. Lyles has shown some good flashes this year in a way that sort of reminds me of Norris at this point in his career. If he settles down, he could be a nice contributor when the team is actually competitive.
The Human Dugong got out of a Biogenesis suspension since he was suspended already last year, and so he continues to deal like he’s ten years younger. How about that? Motherfucker looks like they decided to make a live action Grimace movie. Altuve is hitting .444 against him, and Castro has a homer. Everyone else is kinda weak. Story of the year, I know.
Wednesday, August 14th
2:35 PM CT, YOUR NAME HERE Coliseum
Jarred Cosart (1-0, 1.36) v. Jarrod Parker (8-6, 4.04)
The Highlight Of The Whole Season is still looking for win number two. I wonder who we could pin that on, hmmm? Anyone? Anyone? He hasn’t faced the A’s before.
The Jarrod with the slightly dumber spelling has solved about every hitter in the lineup except Villar, who’s 2-3 with a double off him.
Thursday, August 15th
2:35 PM CT, Pets.com Coliseum
Erik Bedard (3-8, 4.28) v. Sonny Gray (0-1, 1.80)
Let’s pause for a moment and thank the BBGs for giving us two day games on the West Coast. Some of us are conserving sleep before the baby comes, and we appreciate it. Bedard has pulled a pretty decent second half out of his ass, and I for one am grateful. All hail Luhnow. Coco Crisp HATES Bedard almost as much as Nate Frieman (grumble) loves him.
Sonny Gray looks so young, he’s like one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s sperm or something. He’s a rookie who’s never faced the Astros, so everyone please reach under your seats as there’s a vomit bag there, and your nacho tray can be used as a floatation device.
Tuesday: Free Parking! And your car might even be there when you get back!
Thursday: Throwback Thursdays, so here’s hoping the A’s wear their yellow alternates, the Stros wear the gawdawful Oranges, and we can give some poor highlight editor at CSN a fucking seizure.
The biggest promotion, of course, is being able to leave Oakland.
Pride (out for season)
Altuve – sore quad
Castro – bruised hip
Crowe – shoulder sprain (15-day DL)
EGon – shoulder sprain (15-day DL)
J.D. Martinez – sprained wrist (15-day DL)
Alex White – TJ Surgery.
Brett Anderson – foot stress fracture. Ouch.
Coco Crisp – Sore wrist. Kind of a serial injury. Ahem.
John Jaso – Concussion. Treatment: grow out mullet.
Derek Norris – Back soreness. Join the club, buddy.
Fernando Rodriguez – TJ Surgery
Scott Sizemore – Knee surgery.
What To Watch For
The Bullpen Bloodbath
The Sweet Embrace of Death