Apologies to Ebby Calvin, who trusted me to post this yesterday but I failed him. Sorry.
By Ebby Calvin
Exile, it takes your mind again
Exile, it takes your mind again
You’ve got suckers’ luck
Have you given up?
Does it feel like a trial?
Does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine?
And thus the Astros season continues. Look, there’s not a lot to say about this team that hasn’t been pounded in your skull already. Repulsively, comically, historically shitty. That there are heated and legitimate discussions comparing the local nine to the 1899 Cleveland Spiders is damning in and of itself. Let’s just put it this way: they suck. Doesn’t matter why they suck , doesn’t matter how they suck, and it certainly doesn’t fucking matter on what level they suck. They just suck.
Vilify, don’t even try.
So fuck that. You don’t want to read about it and I don’t want to write about it. Let’s focus our hatred elsewhere. Like the Cubs, who were immortally encased in pig vomit here by DarkStar and others, and who are accurately depicted here and here as the biggest assholes in the country. The Astros hung 10 on them Tuesday night, and while I won’t be able to watch Wednesday’s and Thursday’s games, I’ll assume a wide range of slapdickery ensued and the Astros left Chicago better than the Cubs, regardless of record.
Cub hate and Card hate is always fun (and deserved), but there’s another team that deserves our bile as much as any: fucking Arizona. That’s right, I have a strong opinion of the Arizona Diamondbacks. It’s fun, you should try it.
Let me give you a reason to hate these spray-tanners in the desert: they should be going to the AL West next year, not us. Fuck Bud, yes, fuck him right in the earhole. But if sports has taught me anything, it’s that for every loser, there’s a winner. And if the Astros lost in this realignment, I fucking dare you to put the words “Bud Selig” and “winner” in the same sentence without starting the car with the garage door closed first.
Sure, I could develop an intense and immediate hate for the Rockies here, too, but that would be beside the point. The point is (if you haven’t already grasped it), is that this is the Arizona Diamondbacks Series Preview, and I need to write about something.
So fuck Arizona. Those land-locked dirt-eaters with all their teal jewelry and dry heat. They suck because we suck.
Friday: 7pm – Wade Miley (12-8, 3.02) vs Dallas Keuchel (1-4, 5.29)
Saturday: 7pm – Patrick Corbin (4-4, 3.41) vs Jordan Jyles (2-9, 5.27)
Sunday: 1pm – Ian Kennedy (10-10, 4.35) vs Armando Galarraga (0-3, 5.75)
Astros: Cordero, Escalona, Lowire, Schafer, Weiland
DBacks: Blanco, Bloomquist, Collmenter, Hudon, Saito
Friday: Happy Hour by Miller Lite, College Night and Faith & Family Night. One of these things is not like the others.
Saturday: Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers Post-Game Concert, Choir Night. Dorkiest baseball crowd ever recorded.
Sunday: Bark in the Park, Daniel Hudson Growth Chart, which hopefully doesn’t measure growth in terms of pitching effectively.
If you remember my first Series Preview of the year and the Bud Selig picture posted in it, you really, really want the Astros to start winning more games down the stretch. I only have one Preview left this year, and I’ll update the final picture in it. I’ve been throwing up every time I open up Photoshop for the last month or so.
Astros lose 1-2, but are better for it.