Having broken their 12 game losing streak, the new and improved improving slightly better than before younger, yeah we’ll go with younger, Astros try to double their win total in the last 2 weeks in Brew Crew Country.
Wade Miller Park
Whatever happened to ol’ WaMi, anyway? He was pretty great until he blew up his rotator cuff. He could probably slide right back in to the rotation now, or at least fill up some bullpen space. Somebody get that guy on the horn at whatever Insurance Company he’s working for now!
Monday July 30th, 7:10pm FS-H, MLB.tv
Tuesday July 31st, 7:10pm FS-H, MLB.tv
Wednesday August 1st, 1:10pm FS-H, MLB.tv
Bud Norris (5-8, 5.05) vs. Marco Estrada (0-4, 4.52)
Well, shit Bud. Any time a game description talks about a pitcher trying to get their “elusive 6th win”, you know the season isn’t going so well. The guy you’re facing has ZERO wins and a better ERA than you by half a point. That’s pretty miserable.
Current Brewers hit .286 against Bud, with the biggest offenders being Alex Gonzalez (3-6), Corey Hart (5-12, 2 HR), Nyger Morgan (4-11), and ErrorMiss Ramirez (5-14, 2 HR). That is a lot of every day players that hit him hard. Shit.
Marco Estrada has been pretty shitty this year, as indicated by his numbers. The Brewers would probably be better served sending Erik Estrada out there. If nothing else, it’ll pull Zipp over to the dark side for a game or two.
Unsurprisingly, the Astros suck testicles against Marco. I won’t even go in to the details but to tell you the team average is .222 in limited (18) at bats.
Dallas Keuchel (1-3, 4.63) vs. Yovani Gallardo (8-8, 4.07)
After a sparkling debut, Dallas has scuffled a little bit. But with the Astro “offense” “supporting” you, who wouldn’t scuffle some? I think Keuchel can be a very serviceable big league starter, and I’m glad they’re letting him learn his trade in the bigs.
Dallas has yet to face these assholes Brewers, so who knows what to expect. My advice, start drinking before the game starts. You’ll know you’re drunk enough when they show crowd shots and you think you see a hot chick with a big rack, then suddenly realize it’s just another fat Milwaukee fan in a XX instead of a XXX Prince Fielder jersey.
Yovanni Gallardo… I hate this fucking guy. Why, you ask? Don’t question my hate, asshole. Trust me on this. The guy is a Ryan Braun level douche.
And if you need proof, current Astros are batting a glossy .156 in 77 at bats against him. Good news, though! Jason Castro (3-8) actually hits this guy really well! What? Well, shit. Some guy named Brett Wallace (3-9) hits him well too, but I don’t think he is with the team anymore.
Jordan Lyles (3-7, 5.54) vs. Mike Fiers (4-4, 1.77)
Should you desire to get extremely drunk on Thursday afternoon and want to blame someone else, might I recommend to you…
The Jordan Lyles Drinking Game!
In the first 4 innings/2 times through the lineup:
1 drink for -
A swinging strikeout where you think “That was some big league stuff right there!”
An opposing hitter breaks his bat.
An opposing hitter is completely overmatched and hits a popup or a slow roller.
1 shot for -
Jordan wiggles his way out of a jam with 2 on and less than 2 outs and gives up a run or less.
Jordan strikes someone out looking.
Jordan induces a double play.
Finish your drink (Chug it!) -
Jordan gets a hit.
Jordan works his way out of a bases loaded/no outs jam and gives up one run or less.
After 4 innings/3rd time through the lineup:
Take a drink -
Jordan leaves his cutter or any other offspeed pitch hanging and it leads to a base hit. (add one extra drink for every extra base in addition to one)
Jordan grooves an 0-2 or 1-2 pitch.
Jordan loses a batter after having him down in the count 0-2 or 1-2.
Take a shot -
Jordan gives up more than one run after starting an inning with an out.
Jordan’s brother tweets something retarded.
Finish your drink (CHUG!) -
Jordan doesn’t make it the full five innings needed to qualify as a winner.
Jordan gives up more runs than there are outs in an inning.
You think to yourself “I really thought he was going to put it all together this time.” as the lead slips away.
If you’re still coherent by the end of this game, might I also suggest the game-within-the-game of taking a shot every time Mr. Happy posts in the Game Zone for this particular game. That should finish off the seasoned drinkers too.
Thanks for playing!
Filed under “S” for Silver Lining (or Sucks Less), Jordan has held current Brewers to a .250 BA in 44 at bats. Stay away from Errormiss (4-9) and he should be fine. Nobody else has consistent good numbers against him.
I have no fucking clue who Mike Fiers is, but holy shit, those numbers are impressive!
Dude has never faced the Astros. I suspect a No Hitter Watch is probably already in effect for the greater Milwaukee area, so I’d highly recommend my drinking game listed above. With any luck, you’ll fall down and hit your head on the coffee table and wake up with no recollection of what happened the day before. If you’re REALLY lucky, maybe you’ll have amnesia, and can just pick a whole new team to root for.
Jason Castro is out with a knee something or another. Looks like he’s due back in early August.
Sergio Escalona is out for the year with a blown elbow. Poor guy is going to come back next season and go “Who the fuck are you guys?!” when he first walks in to the clubhouse.
Jed Lowrie has nerve damage in his knee, but is scheduled to take the brace off on August first. No idea on a timetable for actual return, but his knee is gonna stink like ass on August 1st.
Kyle Weiland is out the year with shoulder herpes, apparently. Some kind of infection in his shoulder, won’t be back until 2013. I’d say he’ll have the same reaction as Escalona, but I suspect the locker room will have the same reaction to him.
Ryan Braun is out with blisters on his hand. That doesn’t even deserve a joke. What a pussy. He should be back soon, but will at least miss the first game.
Mat Gamel blew out his right ACL. No idea who he is, but that sucks for him.
Alex Gonzalez ALSO blew out his right ACL. Holy shit, is that contagious somehow?!
Shawn Marcum’s injury is listed as “right shoulder, elbow”. I’m not sure if he hurt those things, or that’s the name of something he injured. I’ll keep you posted.
Chris Narveson is out for the year recovering from shoulder surgery.
Manny Parra is out with shoulder irritation. Few injuries sound more severe than ______ irritation. Get well soon, Manny!
Tyler Thorneburg is out with arm fatigue. And YOU thought we’d get through this without a masturbation joke, didn’t you?! WRONG!
Giveaways This Series
This series is in Milwaukee, just assume they’re giving away Beast Lite and cheddar. Odds are you’ll find some laying around somewhere outside the stadium anyway.
Our Notable Things To Look For
- I’m still watching games, but holy shit, is this team hard to root for. Aside from the Little League “They’re trying as hard as they can!” angle, I just am totally wiped out as a fan. I’m glad management has decided that Fire Sale is the way to go. Dump everything of value (and Chris Johnson) and start over. That’s the way things should’ve been 5 years ago!
- Brett Wallace has finally returned the Bigs. Out of all the things I’ve not understood/half understood from this regime, the treatment of (the former) Walrus is probably at the very top. Dude raked when he got called up, they sent him down, they traded away half the team (including the guy that plays his best postion), and then he rotted in the minors for another month or two. WTF? Glad he’s back, and hope he continues to mash.
- Holy shit, Coco Cordero is terrible. That 6.75 ERA is… robust. Nothing else to add here, just wanted to make it known to anyone that wasn’t sure what I though.
- One of the greatest, most underrated inventions of the 20th Century is volleyball shorts. If you’re not watching Women’s Indoor Volleyball in the Olympics, well… You Foo. That being said: Ladies, if your ass cheeks are flabby enough that those tight shorts can’t keep them contained, I can assure you that nobody (except maybe HudsonHawk) has ANY interest in seeing them hanging out the bottom of your volleyball shorts. At least keep it contained and let us just speculate, and not insure we’re all aware that your maximum level of fitness still involves what looks like a serving of tapioca pudding.
Should you want to discuss the game (or who is looking best in their Volleyball shorts), hop over to the Game Zone!