What the fuck, the Reds are in first place? A half-game ahead of the PIRATES? Well I guess it’s a good thing the Astros are moving to the AL West, because this neighborhood has totally gone to shit. It’s like we don’t even know those guys anymore. At least when the Astros move, it will put the stupid fucking Cubs back in the cellar by default, where they belong.
The Reds have won 9 of their last 11, including a sweep of the 3rdinals coming out of the All-Star Break, and another sweep of the Brewers this weekend. Meanwhile, the Astros have only won once since the break, plus they’ve unloaded about half the roster for a trunk full of junk bonds and some IOU’s to be named later.
The owners have backed up the moving vans and decided that a lot of this old crap isn’t worth moving to the AL, so to hell with it, we’re having a garage sale. Maybe the neighbors can use some of this junk. Get whatever you can for it, and let’s get the hell out of here.
Minute Maid Park
Monday, July 23, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, July 24, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, July 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Just the usual Price Matters Days and Double Play Tuesday deals, except for Wednesday when it’s University of Houston night. They’ll be giving away some nice UH-style caps, but there will only be 1,000 of them and you have to jump through some hoops to get them, like buying tickets online at this link. The goodie closet seems to be running thin this year; maybe Luhnow could trade the bullpen to the Royals or whoever for some unpainted bobbleheads.
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
Monday
Mat Latos (7-3, 4.33) v. Wandy Rodriguez (7-8, 3.75)
The current Astros have hit Latos pretty well, going .308 in 65 AB’s. Lowrie is 4-for-5 against him with a double and two homers, and Altuve is 3-for-5 with a double. Ben Francisco and Chris Johnson also have homers off him.
Wandy has faced everyone on the Reds, including the Ghost of Marge Schott and her stupid dog. The Reds have a whopping 263 AB’s against Wandy, but they’ve only hit .266, with 67 K’s. Joey Votto is far and away their best hitter against him, but he’s out for this series. Jay Bruce is only 2-for-29 with 15 strikeouts against Wandy, and Drew Stubbs is only 6-for-25 but he also has a double and two homers. Cairo, Frazier, Heisley, Ludwick, and Phillips also have homers off him.
Also keep in mind that if Wandy gets traded before the deadline, this will be his last homestand. He’s also scheduled to pitch later in the week against the Pirates, if he’s still around.
Tuesday
Mike Leake (3-6, 4.25) v. Lucas Harrell (7-7, 4.24)
Leake has a win and a loss against the Astros already this season. The good guys have hit him pretty well – 18 hits in 55 AB’s – but few of those were for extra bases. Chris Johnson has two homers off and a double off Leake.
Harrell has seen the Dickities once this season and took a loss. Jay Bruce is 3-for-3 against him with a double and a homer. Brandon Phillips is 2-for-4 with a triple.
Wednesday
Homer Bailey (9-6, 3.74) v. Bud Norris (5-8, 5.33)
Bailey hasn’t faced Houston this season, though last year four of his nine wins came against the Astros. Nobody has hit Bailey well, though Martinez and Bixler each have a homer off Homer.
After going 5-1 early in the season, Norris has lost his last seven starts. He hasn’t seen the Reds this year. Ryan Ludwick goes 5-for-15 against him, and Devin Mesoraco has a homer.
Injury Report
Cincinnati – Joey Votto is out until sometime in August. Relievers Ryan Madson and Nick Masset are on the 60-day DL.
Houston – Lowrie, Castro, Weiland, and Escalona are all out. Marwin Gonzalez has a heel thing going on, but it sounds like he’ll be available.
Balls in the Dirt
Alas. Kris and Anna Benson are getting divorced. Kris has been working as a financial adviser since retiring from pitching, but apparently Anna thought his financial methods were too unorthodox. Because instead of using spreadsheets and graphs to dispense his astute advice, he was using his dick.
Now, if you remember, Anna once famously said that if she caught Kris screwing around, she would fuck the New York Mets. All of them, including the groundskeepers and bat boys. I don’t know if they would have to line up alphabetically, or by uniform number, or in a multi-level pyramid, or what, but that was the promise. Well, apparently she’s backing out of the deal. She’s had three kids since making that promise, and now her strike zone is wider than the big red apple at Shea. (OK, actually it was always that wide; after all the pounding she took, Kris probably thought he was fucking a bucket of water. So he decided to trade up, apparently.)
So can you imagine how embarrassed the stupid Mets are? They finally got a chance to put up a crooked number, and Anna Benson threw a fucking no-hitter at them. (Or would that be a no-fucking hitter?) And it would have been a perfect game, but she kept throwing balls off the plate. Now the dumbass Mets are standing there with their balls as blue as their caps, and their dicks drier than a drought.
Anyway, this is all just a long, roundabout way of me saying, one more time, fuck the goddamn Mets.
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