Miller Park
Of all the idiotic bullshit moves dreamed up by Bud Selig, this one takes the urinal cake. The fucking pussified Cubs, who were so stoically brave during a tornado and lightning storm when they were behind in a game, wouldn’t get on a goddamn plane to Houston. So Selig tells Drayton McLane, “Hey I know, let’s you and him fight. At my house. I’ll sell tickets.”
Now Cecil Cooper and the Astros, many of whom are still without electricity at their own homes, where, you know, they might be needed, have to travel to Bud’s shitty suburb of Chicago and play a crucial “home” series in front of two fanbases that have a huge interest in seeing the Astros lose.
And I just love Bud’s new fascination with covered ballparks; I guess he’s changed his mind since the 2005 World Series. Since the Astros are the “home” team in Milwaukee, they should demand that the roof be open. You know, to make sure the “home” team doesn’t get an unfair advantage from loud fans in a crucial game.
Oh wait, they can’t open the roof, because you know what’s coming? The remnants of HURRICANE IKE! Arrrgggghhh! This makes so much sense. The Astros stay home and ride out Ike, but the Cubs won’t fly to Houston because they’re pussies. Then after Ike moves through and heads north, leaving Minute Maid intact, the Astros have to fly around Ike, to the place where the storm might be headed, to play the pussy Cubs, in another covered stadium right down the road from Chicago. The Aristocrats!
And by the way, the Tigers and White Sox already got rained out twice this weekend also. In Chicago. They’ll try to play a doubleheader Sunday, but it’s doubtful because, you know, Ike is coming. Maybe they should all fly to Houston; I hear there’s a perfectly good roofed stadium in a neutral location that isn’t being used.
Sunday, September 14, 7:05 p.m. CDT – my20pixels
Monday, September 15, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD
Notable giveaways
Drayton McLane is giving away homefield advantage both days to the first 41,900 Cubs and Brewers fans who show up.
The Sausage Races will still be held in this series, with the winner getting the added privilege of stuffing itself up Lou Piniella’s whiny fat ass.
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
Sunday
Carlos Zambrano (13-5, 3.58) v. Randy Wolf (10-11, 4.45)
Zambrano has started against the Astros twice this season and the Cubs lost both times. Miguel Tejada is 5-for-9 with a double and a homer off Zambrano, while Lance Berkman is only 9-for-60, though four of those hits were homers. Jose Castillo also has a homer off him. If Zambrano’s arm gets too tired after driving up the road from Chicago, then Sean Marshall will get the start.
In Randy Wolf’s nine starts since joining the team, the Astros have gone 8-1. Wolf has a 3-6 career record against the sCrubs but he’s 1-1 this season, including a complete-game shutout at Wrigley two weeks ago. Pretty much every limpdick Cub has batted against Wolf at some point, and they’re a combined 34-for-160 (.213). The only ones who have homered off him are Soriano and Errormiss, but otherwise they’re both walking the Mendoza Line against Wolf.
Monday
Jason Marquis (10-8, 4.36) v. Brian Moehler (11-6, 4.16)
Marquis has a 9-6 lifetime record against the Astros, though his ERA is also over 5. His last start against Houston also ended in “L”. And “L” in this case is for “Lance,” who is 21-for-43 against Marquis, with five doubles, a triple, a homer, 14 RBI, 13 walks, and only three strikeouts. Wigginton, Pence, and Quintero have also hit well against Marquis.
Moehler is 1-1 in three starts against the Cubs this season. Several sCrubs hit him well, including Errormiss, Ward, and Soriano, but especially Labia Lips Edmonds, who is 14-for-39 (.359) with five doubles and six homers. But today, Anaheim Jimmy can go fuck himself.
Injury Report
Houston – Wandy, Carlos Lee, and Felipe Paulino are all out. Brandon Backe could probably pitch, and Ty Wigginton might be able to pinch-hit. Geoff Geary and Kazuo Matsui might or might not be back.
Chicago – Starter Rich Hill and reliever Chad Fox are out. Reliever Chad Gaudin might be back for this series. Carlos Zambrano has had a dead arm; he over-reached around Jim Edmonds’ fat ass because the Sexy Bitch got a late jump and tried a spectacular dive and roll. Zambrano had an anti-inflammatory shot and a week and a half off to recover, and should make the start Sunday; thousands of Cubfans are still weeping in drunken admiration at the sheer heroics of it all.
Interesting Things
* In other news, just to make things more fair down the home stretch in the AL East, Bud Selig has decided the Tampa Bay Rays will now play all their home games at Yankee Stadium. Tampa should be totally fine with that, because you know, it wouldn’t benefit the Red Sox or the Yankees at all. It’s for the fans, really.
* Oh, I almost forgot – fuck the Brewers, fuck Bud Selig, and motherfuck the Cubs. And hell, while we’re at it, fuck the Packers and the Bears too.
Discuss today’s bullshit game in the Gamezone.
