The Astros of 2006 cannot seem to put together all phases for more that a game or two. The pitching led to the demise of this game, as the Astros rallied several times but could not hold the lead in front of 43,000 fans “dressed up” for 70’s night at Minute Maid Park. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
The Astros seem to be in a Terry Schiavo-like state right now. Common sense says “have mercy and pull the damn plug,” but then a lazy eye seems to follow the balloon for a second or two and you think, “Hey! There MIGHT be an ounce of hope left!” But then reality sets in and you realize that even Terry Schiavo could work a walk from Brad Lidge right now … or at least an HBP.
Maybe Purpura can pull a miracle out of his ass this weekend, but I’m not holding my breath. The thing is, the parts already seem to be here and more or less in working order. It’s just that they don’t seem to work together as a whole. I guess Drayton can throw more money at the problem, but that still doesn’t mean this patient will get up and walk. Much less drive in a run.
Meanwhile … the Diamondbacks just dropped two of three to the Phillies, though they had won their four previous series. They’re three games behind the Padres in the West, and 2.5 games behind the Reds in the wildcard race. Third-baseman Chad Tracy is leading the team in homers, RBIs, hits, and runs, but he also has 93 strikeouts compared to 56 for the next-closest whiffer.
When:
Friday, July 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, July 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT - KNWS
Sunday, July 30, 1:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - Looks like no broadcast Saturday. Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on Fox Southwest.
Where: MMPUS
Lots of good promotions again this weekend. Friday will be 70’s Night, so bust out the Rainbow Guts. There will also be Colt Stadium replica giveaways, and of course the usual fireworks (but read the fine print, because it’s doubtful the fireworks will be provided by the Astros’ offense). Biggio figurines will be given away Saturday, and on Sunday it’s Matchbox cars. Sunday will also feature the always-popular Kids Run the Bases event, with an added twist: your youngster can choose to be either walked by Brad Lidge, or hit by a pitch.
As the Astros stepped to the plate in the 5th inning against Reds starter Bronson Arroyo trailing 5-1 on the scoreboard, the TV crew just finished interviewing Astro legend Jimmy “Toy Cannon” Wynn, who gave his explaination on their problems with the bats. The good guys proceeded to rally for 6 runs in the inning capped by a monster 3-run blast into the restaurant from Lance Berkman. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
The Astros are returning from an uninspiring roadtrip, though it was fun to see the lolly-gagging Stem stepping on their own dicks Sunday. Now it’s back home for a series with the dipshit Reds, who are somehow still leading the wildcard race. But there are two months left in the season, and I don’t think Cincinnati can hold onto the lead. Now would be a good time for the Astros to thump the punkass Reds and send the overachievers back to the bottom of the Ohio River where they belong.
The Reds have lost their last two series, though they swept four games from the Rukkakies right after the All-Star Break. They’re still barely holding onto the wildcard lead, but right now there are really only three NL teams (gNats, Cubs, Pirates) who are out of it. The Astros are 5 games behind Cincinnati, tied with L.A. and Colorado.
If the Astros’ marketing team were on the ball, we’d be seeing Sheriff Blaylock’s Authentic Chili Night right about now, with complimentary chocolate bars and packets of cinnamon to throw at Cincinnati players. Of course they’d probably just collect it all and save it for the next Greater Cincinnati Three-Way Cornhole Tournament.
When:
Tuesday, July 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, July 26, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Thursday, July 27, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - Looks like no broadcast Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday’s games will be on Fox Southwest.
Where: MMPUS
Thundersticks and chatterbats, whatever those are, will be the chief giveaways this weekend. I’ve never seen either of those things in action, but I have a hunch they are most effective when being pounded on the Reds’ dugout roof. While chanting “Jun-i-yooooor … come out to play-ee-ay!”
Not much to recap. Complete game shutout from the young Mets righthanded starter John Maine. Frustration level for the Astros offense is at a high point. Taylor Buchholz continues to have an “Oswalt inning” every game, this time in the second allowing a freakin’ grand salami. The Astros appeared defeated after 2 innings, in my observation.
More roster changes in store for today’s game, as Brandon Backe returns from the DL to start game two of this series. I hope he can still hit.
The 2005 Astros finished 11th in the National League with 4.3 runs per game. The 2006 Astros rank even worse at 15th in the National League, although they?re scoring slightly more than last season, with 4.5 runs per game.
By Craig Elliott
Goddamn fucking New York Mets. I hate the cocksucking Stem like nothing else. Fucking Jeri-curled, black-and-blue, no-trade-clause-giving, Gascan-loving, unfit-to-wear-orange Mets. Their piece-of-dogshit stadium and assmunch fans can kiss my ass too. Fucking Mets.
So anyway. The Astros couldn’t even pull off a series win against the dumbass Cubs, despite throwing Roy, Roger, and Andy at them. Then the Astros responded by sending down Wandy, the team leader in wins and herpes. Matt Albers was called up for bullpen duty, so keep your fingers crossed. Purpura is still out there trying to land either another reliever or Miguel Tejada, depending upon whatever Polly Prissy Pants says at Pinwheel’s teaparty.
Also, in case you don’t read the Eastern media, the Stem have already won the National League this year. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s already been decided so we don’t even need an NLCS. Just bow down to the altar of traitors, dipshits, and snivelers, and bring on the Yankees.
Goddamn fucking Mets.
It was a hot and humid evening as this historic matchup began at Wrigley Field, with the wind blowing in at 10 mph and an 80% chance of rain. Roger Clemens , 43 years old with 342 career victories, opposing Greg Maddux, 40, with 325 career wins. Two certain Hall of Famers with 11 Cy Young awards shared between them. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
The Astros split four games with the Marlins, though it should have been better. Once again, Oswalt and Clemens were left searching for run support, though Aubrey Huff helped in recovering Oswalt’s game. Now it’s on to Chicago to try to dogpile the dumbass Cubs, who just suffered the indignity of giving up an 11-run inning. To the goddamn fucking Mets, who are next on the roadtrip by the way.
The Cubs are 21 games under .500, Wood and Prior are back on the DL, and Carlos Zambrano got knocked out of the All-Star game by a fungo bat. How ’bout those Cubbies?
When:
Tuesday, July 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, July 19, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Thursday, July 20, 1:20 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - Tuesday’s game will be on the Chicago Fox broadcast, and the other two will be on Fox Southwest.
Where: Wrigley Field
The Cubs are 15-27 at home this season, which is the worst home record in the majors. By comparison, the Royals are 19-23 at home.
On Thursday at Wrigley, the first 5,000 girls age 14 and under will get free doll-sized Cubs apparel. Miniature corked bats, puke stains, and Walkmen sold separately.
The Astros could manage a mere two hits through eight innings, finally avoiding the shutout in the ninth as they lose the second game of the series in south Florida 3-1. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
The Astros stepped all over their own dicks (except Roy Oswalt, who missed) while sputtering into the All-Star Break. But now the real race starts, and Purpura has already started chopping wood by nabbing Aubrey Huff and shitcanning Gary Gaetti. Jason Lane got sent down and Morgan Ensberg got a serious shot across his bow. So he took a check-swing at it and then sat down.
Houston is six games back of the fucking Jakes, with the Reds and Brewers still hanging around before they wilt down the stretch. The Astros are also 3.5 games off the lead in the wildcard race, though of course it’s a bit early to start thinking about that. The fact is, the Co-Ards can be taken down if the Astros play like they’re capable of doing.
Meanwhile, Florida has lost 7 of its last 10 games, and they can’t even see the Mets in the NL East. But for a team that’s started 20 rookies this season, they’re sucking less than expected. Which I guess is a compliment.
When:
Thursday, July 13, 6:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Friday, July 14, 6:35 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, July 15, 5:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Sunday, July 16, 12:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - Thursday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Florida broadcast. Looks like no TV for Friday and Saturday.
Where: Dolphin Stadium
They might as well call it Don’t Let the Door Hit You in the Ass Stadium, since the Marlins are busy shopping for a new park in a new city. Or at least they were the last time I heard anything about it. My money’s still on them moving to Vegas, but I’m admittedly biased.
After somewhat of a roller-coaster ride through the first three-and-a-half months of the season, Preston Wilson currently has the following line for 2006:
Avg OBP Slg OPS G AB H 2B 3B HR R RBI BB -------------------------------------------------------------- .283 .321 .422 .742 85 332 94 18 2 9 34 47 18
The Catch. The Cardinal centerfielder robs an Astro of an extra base hit with runners on in a close game. This time it happened in the 4th, when Eric Munson hit a deep drive to straightaway center about half-way up Tal’s Hill, when it was snagged by pain in the ass Anaheim Jim Edmonds as he was running with his back to the plate and caught it over his head. He immediately did a face plant in on the slope but jumped up and fired a relay throw to keep the Astros from scoring. Bill Brown and Greg Lucas gushed about the greatest catch on the hill, the Astros were deflated and the Cards were energized. Game changed from that point. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
The Astros just took two of three from the dumbass Cubs, somehow managing to miss the sweep despite another complete game from Roy. Houston is still four games behind the Shitbird Jakes, who are somehow still in first place despite going 9-16 in June.
The Jakes are staggering around like a cardinal with its head cut off, but they still need a good kick in the balls to speed up their pending descent. And since the Astros are four games back with a four-game series staring them in the face, this seems like a perfect time for Jake-Breaking. Meanwhile, the Co-Ards also just picked up Jeff Weaver, so don’t be surprised if he starts in this series, maybe in place of Sidney Pontoon.
When:
Thursday, July 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Friday, July 7, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, July 8, 3:05 p.m. CDT - Fox
Sunday, July 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT - ESPN
MLB Extra Innings - Thursday’s and Friday’s games will be on Fox Southwest. The other two are national broadcasts.
Where: MMPUS
Yvette is busting out the goodies this weekend, including NL championship rings, tote bags, fireworks, K-cards, Pettitte posters, and rally towels. And by the way, I’m disappointed that Fox Southwest now seems to show Yvette only from the centerfield camera. Those long-range cameras tend to … eh … compact things.
Roy Oswalt pitched a complete game but gave up a couple of runs in the final two innings as the Astros continued to struggle scoring runs on the road. (more…)
