By Limey

This week, I’ve been mostly watching the World Cup.

I’m subbing for Craig, who started to think about how much he hates the Rangers and his head exploded.  I’m posting this extra early because I’m going to be busy all day tomorrow skiving off work to watch the footy.  So, let’s see what’s been going on the with ‘Stros [clicks through a couple of pop-ups] WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Good news: the June Swoon is almost over.  Time for the July Goodbye to begin.  Followed by August Disgust and the September Dismember.  Holy shit this is a bad team right now!  Losers of nine out of twelve they just got mauled by the Tigers for three straight; shut out in two of ‘em.  Is there some cosmic law that one of the teams playing in Tiger Stadium has to play like shit?

Now it’s off to Dallarse to play the Rump Rangers of Texas.

When:
Friday, June 30, 7:35 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, July 1, 12:20 p.m. CDT - Big Fox & Big Fox HD
Sunday, July 2, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN & FSN HD (Ch. 302 on TimeWarner)

MLB Extra Innings - Haven’t the foggiest.  Don’t know/care where to look.

Where: The Ballsack at Armpit-on

The Rangers are 3 games over .500, but 20-21 at home where it’s hotter than a snake’s arse in a wagon rut.

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I missed most of this game, so here is the quick version.

Astros shutout. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

The Astros managed to win only one game in Chicago, after blowing 15 leads and giving up 10 grand slams. At this point the bullpen is melting down faster than a Willy Taveras thread on the Talkzone. The ‘Stros are still 5 games back of the Co-Ards, despite St. Louis losing six in row. But those Jake losses were also to the White Sox and the Tigers.

The Tigers have the best record in baseball and are just ahead of the cocksucking White Sox. Detroit just swept the Co-Ards, and they’re 16-7 in June. Third-baseman Brandon Inge leads the team in homers with 16, but Magglio Ordonez and Marcus Thames each have 15, and Chris Shelton has 14. Kenny Rogers has 10 wins, and Todd Jones has 20 saves.

When:
Monday, June 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Tuesday, June 27, 6:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, June 28, 12:05 p.m. CDT - FSN

MLB Extra Innings - Monday’s and Tuesday’s games will be on the Fox Sports Detroit affiliate, and Wednesday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Comerica Park

The Tigers are 23-14 at home, while the Astros are 13-20 on the road.

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Flash back to October, a big home run by a slap hitting White Sox outfielder, only this time it was a grand slam as the Astros lost the first game of the weekend series 7-4. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

The Astros just don’t seem fully involved in this dumbass interleague shit, having dropped series now to both the Royals and Twins. And now they have to face the two top teams in the softball league - Chicago and Detroit. But hey, Roger Clemens is back! Go buy a #22 T-shirt, damn it.

The White Sacks are a half-game behind Detroit, and they just swept the Jakes. But the real news has been Ozzie Guillen’s ongoing freak show act and meltdown. Don’t be surprised if during the All-Star Game, Guillen orders a beaning and doesn’t get it, so he tries to send another team’s ace to the minors.

When:
Friday, June 23, 7:35 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, June 24, 12:20 p.m. CDT - Fox
Sunday, June 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT - ESPN

MLB Extra Innings - Friday’s game will be on Fox Southwest, Saturday’s will be on Fox, and Sunday’s will be on ESPN.

Where: US Cellular Field

This weekend the White Sox will be sponsoring Fag Night, where 10,000 lucky fans will get a free reach-around from Ozzie Guillen. Plus one lucky homo will get two autographed balls (his own balls, of course), a shit-stained copy of the Chicago Sun-Times that Pierzynski wiped his ass with, and of course, an inadequate mumbled apology from Bud Selig.

Sox fans should also watch for exciting upcoming promotions, which include Hugo Chavez Appreciation Day, Shake My Goddamn Hand Night, and a Venezuelan Pinata Fiesta, in which blindfolded fans try to bean Ozzie while he screams and calls them faggots.

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Adam Everett pounded a pair of run-scoring doubles, including driving in the tying run in the seventh after an 11-pitch battle, to lead the Astros to a 5-3 victory in the middle game of the interleague series against the Twins at Minute Maid Park. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

The Astros just lost a series to the Royals, and are seven games behind the Co-Ards. But never fear Astros fans, because it’s time to buy shit! The Orgy o’ Roger is pulling into the station, and there’s someone in your family who doesn’t have a #22 jersey yet. Or at least one of the neighbors.

The Twins are at .500 but they’re already 11.5 games behind the Tigers. They’re on a seven-game winning streak, and have won 9-of-10. They just swept the Pirates, right after sweeping the Red Sox. Catcher Joe Mauer is leading the majors in batting at .380.

When:
Tuesday, June 20, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, June 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Thursday, June 22, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN/ESPN

MLB Extra Innings - All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. And Thursday’s game will be broadcast worldwide live on ESPN, so that even African tribes and Euroweenies can see Roger pitch. Even if it interrupts their little soccerball tournament. (Though I must say I enjoy Limey’s World Cup updates; when the finals roll around, I’ll know who to cheer for.)

Where: MMPUS

The Orgy o’ Roger will finally arrive at Minute Maid in a stunning burst of pure marketing energy. Yvette won’t be able to go on-camera because the brilliant radiance of her Inner Marketing Synergy will cause her to actually glow. She’ll be cooled off by 22 interns, who will fan her with rhinestoned pink towels from the Debbie Clemens collection.

And, hey, look, it’s also UT Night when Roger’s pitching! Why, what are the odds? 22:1, I guess.

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The 2006 draft has been described by many as a significantly down year for top talent.  Many of this year’s first round picks would have expected to go in the second round or later last year.  Be that as it may the Astros came in with a first round pick for the second year in a row.  Last year they took left-handed pitcher Brian Bogusevic with their first pick.  This year the Astros brain trust talked about wanting to add more lefty hitters and pitchers.

Prior to the draft the Astros added three players to their minor league total.  They signed Ryan Owens from the Citadel as a fifth year senior free agent.  Owens, a left-handed pitcher threw 96 innings allowing 105 hits, 47 earned runs, 41 walks, and struck out 82.  He finished the season with a 4.41 ERA.  Also, the Astros signed two DFE draftees from last year.  Andrew Darnell, round 35, hit .386 in 176 at-bats.  He recorded 68 hits, 19 doubles, 1 triple, and 13 home runs.  He walked 20 times and struck out 33 times.  Reid Kelly, round 33, threw 83.2 innings allowing 70 hits, 20 earned runs, and 35 walks while striking out 70.  He finished the season with a 2.15 ERA.
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Former Astro flamethrower Scott Elarton turned junkballer Royale mowed down the Astros with five perfect innings as the Kansas City Royals defeated the Astros 7-2 in the first game of the weekend series. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

The Astros have won eight of their last nine games, including a sweep of the dogshit Cubs. Chris Burke scored 27 runs against the Cubs, plus he also delivered Lance Berkman’s baby. The Astros head into interleague play five games behind the Jakes, and 2.5 in back of the Reds. And the Parade o’ Roger is still making its way to town.

The Royals have only won 17 games all season, they’ve lost seven of their last 10, and they’re 7-28 on the road. They do have many familiar faces in Elarton, Bako, Duckworth, and Buck. And Buddy Bell and Billy Doran on the bench. They also have the most syllables and letters of any infield, with Tony Graffanino, Mark “Eyechart” Grudzielanek, and Doug “Man-Titz” Mientkiewicz.

When:
Friday, June 16, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, June 17, 6:05 p.m. CDT - KNWS
Sunday, June 18, 1:05 p.m. CDT - FSN

MLB Extra Innings - Friday and Sunday’s games will be on Fox Southwest, and Saturday’s game will be on some Royals feed. During the Cubs series I got stuck listening to some of the games on XM, and had to hear the Cubs’ radio team. It sounded like they were letting some dumbass from the bleachers be the color announcer, but then I realized it was just Ron Santo.

Where: MMPUS

Lots of promos again this weekend, including the usual Friday fireworks. Giveaways will include trash cans, neckties, and sports bottles. After Sunday’s game fathers can walk the bases, and as usual Brad Lidge will be on hand to give out the free passes.

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The Astros jumped to an early lead against the Professor and held on with a strong bullpen winning 5-4 Tuesday night in Chicago.

Roy Oswalt , fresh off the DL, pitched six innings and had a pair of hits at the dish in  earning  his sixth victory of the season. He allowed three runs on eight hits in his first win since May 3rd. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

The Astros just took a sweet 3-of-4 from the Braves, and the bandwagon looks like it’s breaking down. That team looked like Chipper, AndrUw, and seven guys named Joe. Meanwhile, Berkman also hit some serious bombs, and even Eric Munson had a two-homer game. Jason Lane knocked in five runs in one game, for fuck’s sake.

The Astros are six games behind the suddenly constipated Jakes, who find themselves without a PooHole. The Reds are two games back, but have lost four in a row and may be starting their annual Fade to Pink tour.

The Cubs lost the opener of a four-game series in Cincinnati, but then took the last three. That string of three wins is all that kept them from dropping behind Pittsburgh into the cellar.

When:
Tuesday, June 13, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, June 14, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Thursday, June 15, 1:20 p.m. CDT - FSN

MLB Extra Innings - Tuesday’s and Thursday’s games will be on the Chicago Fox affiliate. Wednesday’s will be on Fox Southwest. Or you could probably use WGN, but I’m not going to their website to look it up.

Where: Wrigley Field

On Tuesday, 500 lucky Cub fans will win a Greg Maddux autographed magic baseball. It’s always 6 inches from where you think it is.

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Rookie starter Fernando Nieve pitched into the eight inning and struck out nine in leading the Astros to a 7-2 win in game two of the four game weekend series against the Braves. Nieve allowed only a two-run home run by Andruw Jones, shutting down the Braves after falling behind 2-0 after the first inning. He gave up only three singles the rest of the way, all by catcher Bruce McCann, after Jones took him deep. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

The Astros took the series with the Cubs, despite a monstrous hosing from Carlos Zambrano. Chris Burke threw his shoulder out again on a swing and a miss, and then again at the press conference, and then again after that. Barzilla got called up while Roy rests his back.

The Braves just lost three of four to the Nationals, and before that they got swept by the Snakes. They’re trying to keep sight of the Mets, which is even worse than it sounds.

When:
Thursday, June 8, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Friday, June 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, June 10, 3:05 p.m. CDT - Fox
Sunday, June 11, 1:05 p.m. CDT - FSN

MLB Extra Innings - Thursday, Friday, and Sunday’s games will be on Fox Southwest. Saturday’s game will be on the Fox mothership. And I suppose you could watch these games on the Watch The Braves Suck bandwagon, if you really wanted.

Where: MMPUS

Some standard promos this weekend like Friday fireworks and K-card giveaways, but Sunday will be Photo Day and kids can run the bases. Lance Berkman will be on hand to receive instructional tips from the youngsters.

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Rookie  Chris Sampson , in his first major league start, pitched seven innings of three-hit ball in leading the Astros to a 1-0 win Wednesday afternoon over the Cubs.

Sampson, called up from Round Rock less than a week ago, took the punch out of the Cubs bats with a heavy sinker that recorded 16 ground ball outs. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

I’m keeping this one short because I just had PRK laser eye surgery and it takes like a week to heal. And in the meantime my vision is all blurry and hazy and my eyes twitch. Sort of like Jason Lane trying to pick up a curveball.

It’s a good thing I had a shitload of painkillers this weekend, because that’s really the only way to handle a home sweep by the goddamn fucking Reds. Four RBI from Bronson Arroyo?? Some pissant Red can become an Astro-Killer overnight? Are you F’reel?

But at least we aren’t the Chicago Cubs. What a steaming pile their season has become. It’s like Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow kicked over a giant shitbucket instead of the lantern. The Cubs did take two of three from the Jakes over the weekend, but they’re still 12+ games out in the standings, and only two ahead of the Pirates.

When:
Monday, June 5, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Tuesday, June 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, June 7, 1:05 p.m. CDT - FSN, ESPN

MLB Extra Innings - All three games will be on Fox Southwest. Unless they get pre-empted by the irrelevant Rangers, which is happening a lot to me lately.

Where: MMPUS

Free T-Shirts on Wednesday. Also watch for details of the upcoming Orgy o’ Roger sales event, where everyone entering Minute Maid will be required to display at least 22 pieces of Roger flair.

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