The Astros lost the final game of a miserable road trip Wednesday afternoon as the Co-ards scored in the bottom of the 11th inning to earn a 4-3 victory and take the three game series at New Jake City two games to one. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
The Astros narrowly avoided a sweep at the hands of the Pirates, including an 18-inning travesty of justice that ended with the good guys swinging from the Gallo-ws. Houston is now a half-game behind Milwaukee, four behind the pimply-ass Reds, and 6.5 back of the fucking Jakes. With Reds and Redbirds on the schedule this week, now would be a good time for the Astros to turn this leaky ship around. Before it catches another broadside from the goddamn Pirates.
The Co-Ards just lost two of three to the Padres, despite spotting Mark Mulder a four-run lead Sunday. Albert Pujols has already been awarded the MVP and all batting titles for the year. Plus they built that new Holy Shrine to the Cardinals, which promises to be a stunningly overdone monument to self-importance in a red T-shirt.
When:
Monday, May 29, 3:15 p.m. CDT - FSN
Tuesday, May 30, 7:10 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, May 31, 12:10 p.m. CDT - FSN, ESPN
MLB Extra Innings - All three games will be on the Co-Ard affiliate. I’m guessing there may be just a little hero-worship going on. Just a little.
Where: New Jake City
The Jakes’ website humbly proclaims: “Welcome to Baseball Heaven.” And they were too modest to say it, but they always mentally add: “Home of the Most Bestest Fans in Baseball, Where Tony Rules with a Wise Gentle Touch, and Love Falls From the Trees.”
Oh, and speaking of falling from the trees, that dead cardinal is still in my backyard. It’s pretty much just bones and beak now, and a few tailfeathers. I’m thinking about keeping the tailfeathers until I decide the appropriate voodoo to work on them. I’ll entertain suggestions.
The Astros lost for the 4th straight game Friday night in Pittsburgh, as the Pirates took game one of the weekend series 12-5.
Rookie starter Taylor Buchholz was pounded for 9 runs on 1 hits and failed to get out of the 4th inning. The Astros had a 4-2 before the explosion. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
After Monday’s nice win against Washington, the Astros spent the next three games looking for their teabags. Or finding them and walking off the mound. The Astros went 1-3 in Washington, and are in danger of dropping below the Brewers in the Central. Now would be a good time for Clemens to quit dicking around and get back with the team, before the fucking Jakes disappear over the horizon.
The Pirates just got swept by the Diamondbacks, and they have the worst record in the National League. Jason Bay leads the team in homers with 13, and RBI with 35. Nancy Wilson also has eight homers. Ian Snell leads the staff with three wins.
When:
Friday, May 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, May 27, 6:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Sunday, May 28, 12:35 p.m. CDT - KNWS
MLB Extra Innings - All three games will be on the Pittsburgh Fox affiliate. I predict there will be more Roethlisberger endorsement commercials in each game than innings pitched by the Pirate starter.
Where: PNC Park
If you’re going to any of these games, I hope it’s Saturday so you can get a Mike Gonzalez/Oliver Perez “Fire & Ice” Bobblehead. I’m not sure what that is, but I think it’s like “Dog & Butterfly.”
By Craig Elliott
Houston took the lead in the series for Das Boot or whatever it is, with Taylor Buchholz stepping on the Rangers’ dicks for nine full innings. It helps relieve some of the sting of getting poled by the Giants, though the bruising may take longer to heal. The Astros are still five games behind the Jakes, and one behind the teetering Reds. This series is the start of a 10-game roadtrip that also stops in Pittsburgh and New Jake City.
The Nationals just won two out of three against the Orioles, but they lost their three previous series. Washington is in fourth place in the NL East, already 10 games behind the goddamn Mets. Left-secondfielder Alfonso Soriano has stopped his whining and is leading the team in homers and RBI.
When:
Monday, May 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Tuesday, May 23, 6:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, May 24, 6:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Thursday, May 25, 12:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - All four games will be on the Washington Fox affiliate, whatever it’s called.
Where: RFK Stadium
They broke ground for a new stadium in May. So by Washington standards, it should be finished in about 20 years.
Adam Everett hit a bases loaded double in the bottom of the 8th to clear the bases and lead the Astros to a 5-3 win Friday night at Minute Maid Park. (more…)
The Giants scored double figures in runs again Wednesday night to defeat the Astros 10-1 and complete the three game sweep. The Astros were outscored 34-5 in the series at Minute Maid park. The good news, this is the final meeting with the Giants and Barry Bonds for 2006, as the Astros held him homerless in his quest to tie Babe Ruth in career home runs. The Giants take the season series 5-1. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
A great game Sunday by Andy Pettitte leaves the Astros a game behind the second-place Reds. After a six-game losing streak, the Astros came back for a nice series win against Colorado. Ausmus is now tied for sixth in the league in hitting. (Handjob Ramirez is leading with .345). Now it’s time for the Traveling Steroid Carnival and Circle Jerk, compliments of FrankenBarry and ESPN.
The Giants just lost two of three to the Dodgers, and they’re in the cellar of the NL West. But only four game back. But no one will notice anything the Giants do until Barry hits his two fucking homers. If he hits the homers back-to-back, it might bring ESPN to its knees … if they weren’t already there.
When:
Monday, May 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Tuesday, May 16, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, May 17, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - All three games will be on the Fox Southwest feed. And on every square inch of ESPN while Bonds is batting.
Where: MMPUS
If Garner calls for an intentional walk to Bonds and anyone boos, the person booing should get a cockpunch from Junction Jack. And a kiss on the mouth from Wandy.
The Astros, fresh off a forgetable road trip, returned home in style with a 12-2 pasting of the Colorado Rockies Friday night. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
The Astros were having one steaming pile of a road trip until Wandy drove the bus home Thursday. And we’ve all seen enough Jeff Kent to last a season. But on the bright side, Brad Ausmus is second in the league in hitting.
Anyway, it’s those goddamned Rockies again. But if my handy mousepad-schedule is correct, this is the last time the Astros will have to look at the Pebbles this year.
After sweeping the Astros last weekend, the Rockies lost two of three to the Jakes, but they’re still leading the West. Todd Helton is healthy again, and Matt Holiday is leading the team in homers (10) and RBI (33). He’s also batting .481 over his last 14 games.
When:
Friday, May 12, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, May 13, 6:05 p.m. CDT - KNWS
Sunday, May 14, 1:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - Friday and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Saturday’s game will be on the Rocky Mountain version.
Where: MMPUS
The Astros are starting a nine-game homestand, and it’s about time. After the Rockies series, get ready for Barry’s Circus, followed by the Rangers. On Sunday, there’s a Mother’s Day special, where moms get to walk the bases (courtesy of Brad Lidge), and then they all get free massages. So remember to bring Mom to the game, but she may need a cold shower afterward.
Rookie Taylor Buchholz was pounded for 8 runs in his 4+ innings as the Dodgers jumped to a large lead and held on as the Astros mounted a late rally that was too little, too late. The defeat was the 6th loss in a row for the home sick Houston squad. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
The Astros have lost four straight since last week, and there are three games left on the roadtrip before a weekend homestand. They’ve rallied late in the past two games, but just a little too late. Now it’s time for a late-night series with the Dodgers. Thursday’s game is a day-game though, so set the TiVO.
The Dodgers just swept the Brewers, but before that they were swept in two-game series by both the Padres and Snakes. The Dodgers have been slipping in the West standings while the Rockies, D-Backs, and Padres have all been hot.
When:
Tuesday, May 9, 9:10 p.m. CDT - FSN
Wednesday, May 10, 9:10 p.m. CDT - FSN
Thursday, May 11, 2:10 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - All three games will be on the L.A. broadcast, so maybe you’ll get to hear Vin Scully. Though last year he was butchering Astros’ names.
Where: Dodger Stadium
Dodger fans have finally started showing up on time, since Jeff Kent called them all pussies for not hustling.
Well, not really. But they are still pussies.
By Craig Elliott
The Astros just lost a disappointing series to the Rockies, while the Giants lost all three to the Phillies. In fact, they’re 1-6 this month.
The Giants are getting banged up with injuries (Moises Alou) but the spotlight is all on FrankenBarry again. But the Astros website says Barry probably won’t play today, I guess because of the late game at Philly last night. Or he got one of his huge man-teats caught in a wringer or something.
When:
Monday, May 8, 9:15 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - The game will be broadcast on the side of Barry Bonds’ giant fucking head by Bay Area Fox. Settle in for late-night broadcasts all week, by the way, because Dodger Stadium is next.
Where: AT&T Park
Well we know they don’t have a roof. Reception is probably better that way.
The Giants have slipped below .500 and are bringing up the rear in the NL West. So to speak.
By Craig Elliott
Yeah baby, that’s the way to run those fucking shitbird Jakes outta town! It may have been a short series, but it sure felt good to see a couple of wins against the Co-Ards. The Astros are off to their best start ever at 19-9. Lance Berkman took over the Major League lead in RBIs, and he’s tied for third in homers. Berkman is also third in the NL in batting average, right ahead of … BRAD AUSMUS! Ah-hahahaha! And Ausmus is second in the league in OBP, right behind Pujols. OMFG.
No time to rest though, because now it’s off to Denver. Believe it or not, at 16-13 the Rukkakies are tied for first in the NL West. Which is roughly equivalent to fourth in the Central. They just split a pair with the soon-to-suck Reds. Colorado has been hurt with injuries and odd ailments this year, and Todd Helton should be back for this series.
When:
Friday, May 5, 8:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Saturday, May 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT - KNWS
Sunday, May 7, 2:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - Friday’s and Saturday’s games will be on the Colorado feed, and Sunday’s will be on Fox Southwest.
Where: Coors Field
No offense to “Nate in Co,” but I fucking hate Denver sports fans. I knew several when I lived out west, and they’re like a cross between Cubs fans and Aggies. They have this creepy attachment to teams that suck, with a healthy dose of Aggie cult behavior. And they all want to call and talk on AM radio.
Lance Berkman and Willy Taveras had three hits each to help Roy Oswalt to his fifth win of the young season as the Astros held on for a 5-4 victory over the division rival Cardinals at Minute Maid Park Wednesday night. (more…)
By Craig Elliott
I and I just split a series with the Brewers, which included a nice short-Sheet prank on Tuesday. Lance Berkman cooled off a little, in part because he keeps stopping to pick up pretty rocks on the basepaths. Wandy took a tough loss on Monday, but Nieve got his first big-league win.
I had to listen to Bob Eucker do the Tuesday game on XM, and he’s almost as bad as Milo. He was caught in mid-story at the end of the game, and just blew off the final out and went on with his rambling. It was like, “So Joe Niekro … I think he was with the Astros then … empties his pockets and out pops the emery board … Gross flies out to Taveras to end the game … and so Niekro was caught red-handed … wasn’t he with the Astros then? … I can’t remember … anyway …”
Anyway, the 3rds just got swept in a two-game series by the not-yet-sucking Reds, though to be fair, PooHoles, Edmonds, and Rolen all missed the second game. Both the Astros and 3rds are currently looking up at the pimply, misshapen asses of the Cincinnati Reds, but hey, it’s early May. By August the Reds will be just another cinnamony turd floating down the Ohio River.
When:
Wednesday, May 3, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
Thursday, May 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN, ESPN2
MLB Extra Innings - Both games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Thursday’s game will also be on ESPN2, unless they’re showing a nail-gun tournament or something.
The channel here in Arkansas that carries Astros games is a rinky-dink little station out of Little Rock. They have lots of crappy local commercials, but by the end of the game, it’s like they run out of advertisements. So they just stay with the live feed while the Astros announcers think they’re off the air. It’s great listening. The other day against the Brewers, JD started humming “Roll Out the Barrel,” then when told to do the disclaimer after the commercial, said: “Disclaimer? I hardly even know her!”
Where: MMPUS
The Astros are home for two quick games with the Co-Ards, then it’s on the road again for a whirlwind tour of most of the NL West. Yvette will be giving away “K” cards Wednesday, so we can help NLCS MVP Roy Oswalt greet the Jakes in style.
By Craig Elliott
It’s always fun to visit the Great American Shitstain in April, when the Reds’ pathetic chili-ruining fans still think their team is going somewhere this season. If they can still sniff first place when the Astros come back in late August, I’ll personally eat some of their shitty-ass chili. (Actually I won’t. I’d rather drink water straight from the Ohio River than ingest some of that fecal noodle soup.)
So anyway, enough about the pissant Reds. Get ready for a dizzying array of opponents, as the Astros face five different teams over the next 11 days. And they only have one day off - May 18 - for the entire fucking month. Next Monday was supposed to be an off-day, but instead we’ll see the Astros finishing up that rainy series in San Francisco.
First though, it’s time for a quick set with the Brewers. They started the season hot, winning their first five games, but have been sub-.500 since then and sit three games out. Ben Sheets is back now, but he’s come up short in two of his three starts. He also has this long hair and shitty beard thing going now.
The Brewers took two of three from the sCrubs over the weekend, and outscored them 25-2 in the last two games. They’re also leading the league in homers with 38. Carlos Lee has 10 of those homers, and Bill Hall and Prince Fielder have five each.
The Astros are still near the top of the Central, thanks to daily bombs from Lance Berkman and some excellent pitching from most of the starters. The bullpen has been rattled more than the salt shakers at an ALS convention, but hopefully Garner’s steady hand will soon prevail. The Astros are also third in the league in homers.
The Astros can finally start talking with Team Bastard (no relation) and The Racket again. Better put fresh batteries in the Hype-ometer. Christ, shut up and pitch already.
When:
Monday, May 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT - KNWS
Tuesday, May 2, 7:05 p.m. CDT - FSN
MLB Extra Innings - Both games will be broadcast on the Wisconsin feed. Hey serving wench, cheese and brats for all my men! And while you’re at it, bring along some Lipitor and Pepcid.
Where: Miller Park
The Brewers were going to let Brett Favre throw out the opening pitch, but changed their minds because everyone figured Brad Ausmus would just intercept it and run it back for a touchdown.
