By Craig Elliott

Zeke Astacio came out looking like the goat in Game Three, but honestly we should have never seen him. The Astros had more than enough chances to win. When you leave that many guys on base, especially in the late innings, then it may come down to Zeke Astacio and Geoff Fucking Blum.

But now we have to move along and take Game Four. Both bullpens got a workout last night, so let’s hope Backe can go deep into the game. Some Astro hitters going deep would be nice too.

When:
Wednesday, October 26, 7:00 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: MMPUS

It looked a little tense in there Tuesday night; the deathly quiet at key moments is unnerving. But I have to say, I don’t think I?ve ever been so intent on one at-bat, and even one pitch, as when Ensberg had the 3-2 count with the bases loaded. But he whiffed.

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By Craig Elliott

Christ, what a time for Scott Pencildick to hit his first homer of the season. Throw in some costly Astros miscues and some shitty-ass umpiring, and we’re down 0-2. Not to take away from the White Sox because they’ve played great, but the Astros can beat these chumps.

And now we get to see these fuckers go up against Roy Oswalt. If Roy is dealing like he was against the Cardinals, then the White Sox won’t be getting a lot to hit. Sox starter Jon Garland, who has a total of 12 major league at-bats, should especially enjoy getting to bat against Oswalt. On the other hand, you know the Sox are licking their fat American League lips at the Crawford Boxes.

When:
Tuesday, October 25, 7:00 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: MMPUS

Congratulations to everyone who gets to go to the first World Series game in Houston. If you see Bud Selig there, you might ask him why the fuck it’s OK to risk player injuries in that slop in Game Two, but it’s not permissible to close the roof at Minute Maid. It’s like MLB has to crush any semblance of fan participation. Well, except for yelling “Fuck you Berkman” or pulling Patty Biggio’s hair. (Though to be fair, Ozzie Guillen did say the hair-puller should be brought before him in the dugout for a little hometown justice. Probably involving chickens and blood.)

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros had plenty of chances to win Game One, but Joe “Dirt” Crede always seemed to be standing right in the fucking way. Losing our starter after two innings also sucked, though Clemens wasn’t too sharp anyway.

Still, the Sox look beatable, and the Astros can even it up today and bring the Series home to Houston. And we’ve got to have these wins when Pettitte and Oswalt pitch, especially if Roger can’t come back at full strength.

When:
Sunday, October 23, 6:30 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: U.S. Cellular Field

Well it looks bone-ass cold there, but hey, it’s October. Too bad about Roger’s hamstring, but not a surprise, I guess. And it couldn’t have helped when Asswipe Pierzynski bailed out halfway through a pitch.

The Weather Channel says there’s a 60% chance of rain in Chicago for Game Two, with a temperature in the 40s. So it’ll be even colder and shittier than last night.

(more…)

The Astros got behind early and failed to capitalize on several scoring chances late in the game, losing game one of the 2005 World Series 5-3 to the Sox at Comiskey Park. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

Before we get to the Game One preview, let’s pause a minute and consider what the Astros have done so far. All our division and league rivals have been conquered and sent home for the year. The Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, Mets, Reds, Dodgers, Cubs - everyone else in the National League - done. Next year when we visit, they have to call us the National League Champion Houston Astros. (Or even better, the World Series Champions).

National League Champion Houston Astros. Oh yeah. There’s a new sheriff in town, boys. Unfortunately, because of marketing agreements and promotional considerations, it’s Sheriff Blaylock. But what the hell, eat some more nachos or something.

I don’t know much about the White Sox, but they sound like a freak show. Ozzie Guillen practices Santeria and hangs with Hugo Chavez. Everyone says A.J. Pierzynski is an asshole. They have Crazy Carl Everett. The White Sox are like the Island of Misfit Toys, except they also kill chickens.

But they destroyed the American League, their last four ALCS starters all went the distance, and their bullpen hasn’t pitched since Labor Day.

When:
Saturday, October 22, 6:30 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: U.S. Cellular Field

I think technically it’s called New Comiskey, but its corporate whore-name is Cellular.

They’ve been giving out Ozzie Guillen masks all over town, so don’t be surprised if the stands look like Lima Time multiplied by Chicago. This is the city’s first World Series in 46 years, which seems roughly equal to the same time Houston has waited. But you have to remember that Houston only has one baseball team, and Chicago has one and a half.

And by the way, the Cubs are totally fucked now because if they ever do find a lucky goat again, Ozzie Guillen will just cut its heart out and drape its entrails around Wrigley like Venezuelan bunting.

In fact, they thought about having Ozzie sacrifice a virgin before the World Series, but nobody wanted to drive to Wisconsin to get one.

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It’s French…bitch! Actually, bouncebackability is acceptable English, despite being concocted by Crystal Palace FC manager Iain Dowie to describe the facet that his team would need to display in order to survive in the English Premier League. His theory was that they’re going to get thumped on a regular basis, but will need to bounce back over and over again.

Ultimately, Iain Dowie’s side were unsuccessful, being dumped out of the Premiership because they were unable to hold the lead for the last 10 minutes of the last game, which happened to be against a heated rival. Sound familiar? My lifelong support of “the Palace” has lead me to experience numerous cockpunches of this nature, so perhaps you can understand my inability to shrug off the ball-stomping by Pooholes as quickly as some of you. You only follow the Astros; I follow two of them.

But no longer are the Astros hapless wannabees. They are the Killer Bees, and they are National League Champions. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

OK, we’ll do it the hard way. You want revenge on the Jakes? Fine, we’ll serve it up cold. Cold as the tits on every old granny sitting under a blanket at Busch tonight.

The Astros just need one fucking win, and Roy Oswalt is taking the hill. Let’s take the pennant right now and forget about Game Seven. 27 outs to go - make sure every damn one counts.

When:
Wednesday, October 19, 7:00 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: Busch Stadium

It is time to shut this old whore down. I am so fucking sick of hearing about Old ‘n Busted Busch that I can take cookie-cutter shits. Kinda soulless, but at least they’re proportional.

Next week is too late to retire this old skank. Shut ‘er down tonight.

(more…)

I have avoided reading the Houston Chronicle for the better part of the last week or so.  There are far better ways to spend my time. Especially after a loss.  Especially after the game 5 loss.  Especially after the way the Astros lost game 5.  

But today, in anticipation of the game, I took the Playoff section of that same Chronicle into the rest room, because a) I was hoping beyond hope that there was anything remotely interesting in there I hadn’t already squeezed out of  pravata’s Google…(there wasn’t), b) a stall in a public restroom seems a pretty appropriate place to read Justice, Ortiz and Lopez and c) say what you want, but the Chronicle loosens stool, time after time.  In fact, that may be its most redeeming quality. (more…)

By Craig Elliott

Alright Astros fans, the moment is at hand. The 3rdinals are ready to drop and it’s time for the knockout punch. The Astros have got three games to do it, but fuck that. Today’s the day to put the Jakes on the deck. Right now. End it here, tonight, and claim the team’s first National League pennant.

It won’t be easy, because Chris Carpenter is pitching for St. Louis. The Co-Ards are cornered and desperate, and they’re going to be pull every bizarro stunt in the Tank Commander’s playbook to try to steal this game.

But the Astros are countering with Starin’ Andy Pettitte, who is made to pitch in games like this. So pull your hat down low and give ‘em the ol’ stinkeye - today’s the day we drag the Jakes kicking and whining to the chopping block. And drop the ax on their bulging, twitching necks.

When:
Monday, October 16, 7:00 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: MMPUS

This should be a wild one today. I hope you got a ticket.

(more…)

By Craig Elliott

The Game Three win was huge, but today’s game is even bigger. With a victory today the Astros take a commanding lead, and mash a boot down on the Co-Ards’ spasming creaky neck. But an Astros’ loss means it’s a three-game series with two left at Busch.

Suddenly the Jakes are looking as old ‘n busted as their piece-of-shit stadium, but don’t count the fuckers out yet. They might be lulling us to sleep, because I’ve heard they’re sneaky like that. Anyway, you know these freaks can explode at any moment, and they probably will soon.

Today’s the day to take control of the series. The Jakes’ legs are getting wobbly, and it’s time to put them on the ropes.

When:
Sunday, October 16, 3:00 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: MMPUS

LaGenius was bitching about home plate umpire Wally Bell BEFORE Game Three started. Said he was concerned that Bell’s strike zone would be affected by the crowd, or some shit. For an encore, today he’ll call the ump a cocksucker when he brings out the lineup card.

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By Craig Elliott

Well now, the coronation didn’t proceed as expected. While the Co-Ards were posing for TV cameras and next year’s figurines, Roy Oswalt stomped on their dicks and evened up the series. And now everyone comes back to Houston for a good Rogering.

Roger Clemens pitching at home on Saturday - what are the odds? After last weekend’s amazing performance, I’m guessing the crowd will be pleased to see him again. Congratulations to those who get to go in person; I hope it’s louder than a boat ride with the Minnesota Vikings.

When:
Saturday, October 15, 3:00 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: MMPUS

I’ve never paid much attention to the uniform rotation and which jersey gets worn on which day. But it seems like the red jersey/black cap combo is working, and I hope they stick with it.

By the way, to those in attendance today, please remember that the louder you cheer, the more you’ll drown out Fox?s fuckwit broadcast team. I would love to hear bedlam instead of Steve Lyon’s Woody Woodpecker laugh. Or maybe it’s that other guy. One of those fucking idiots.

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By Craig Elliott

Oh well, we gotta shake off the crappy game and put it behind us like yesterday’s Mets. What’s done is done. With a win today we can even things up before the series moves to Minute Maid.

But man oh man, it’s going to be a long, brutal series - and I’m just talking about the Fox broadcast team. Those guys couldn’t count their own balls, much less strikes.

When:
Thursday, October 13, 7:00 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: Busch Stadium

I don’t know who will throw out the ceremonial first pitch today, but I’m pretty sure Lance Berkman will take a swing at it and ground weakly to second. Or maybe they’ll just roll the first pitch up there and let Tim McClelland call it a strike.

(more…)

By Craig Elliott

Now that the Astros have eliminated the entire NL East, and the Jakes performed a mercy killing on the pathetic NL West, we can finally get back down to business. A best-of-seven series with the fucking shitbird Jakes.

But this time we’ve got Starin’ Andy on the hill in Game One, and the Astros are riding that wave of Holy Fucking Shit. It’s hard to believe we got not one, but THREE more Great Astro Homers in one game. All in the 8th inning or later. And Bobby Cox had to watch every fucking one of them.

Meanwhile, the Jakes destroyed the Padres and have been laser-focused on getting back to the World Series this year. Or at least that’s what their website says. (Do you guys realize that when I write these previews, I have to go to the other team’s website and root around in the muck? I walk in the shit so you don?t have to.)

Anyway, we’re back for the rematch and a long-ass series, so put on your good-luck gear and clear the living room. It’s League Championship time, and Houston Astros baseball is on the air!

When:
Wednesday, October 12, 7:00 p.m. CDT - Fox/FX

Where: Old ‘n Busted Busch Stadium

We all knew that a successful Astros playoff run would go through Busch, and now it’s time to knock that fucker down and piss on the stinking rubble. We just need to make sure we don’t leave Lance Berkman out there still wandering the bases.

There’ll be a sea of bright red fans for the next two days, so I’ll just mention the same thing I said last year at this time, because it’s oddly comforting. Somewhere today, maybe even at Busch, there are St. Louis fans wearing my farts. Because whenever I’m at the St. Louis airport, I make it a point to accidentally back my ass into the rack of Co-Ard T-shirts, and leave a little sump’n sump’n.

And by the way, if any St. Louis fans are reading this, I always anoint the shirts that are solid red. Hope you don’t have any of those.

(more…)

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be comatose having snorted heroin thinking it’s coke and then having a three inch needle stabbed through your chest plate so that 50cc’s of adrenaline can be injected directly into your heart, I think you may now have an inkling. Of course, Uma got to go home and recuperate rather than drag her arse up and play Game 4B of the 2005 NLDS. The Braves, meanwhile, played the role of Vincent Vega and got blasted to kingdom-come with their own gun after taking a huge shit.

The current incarnation of the Houston Astros is systematically and comprehensively exorcising the club’s demons. The 2004 Wild Card chase and NLDS win showed the club not to be perennial chokers. Biggio and Bagwell hit in that post season (amazing what happens when you get to face someone not called Smoltz, Glavine or Maddux). They played the 3rds to a standstill, but ultimately fell just a little short of the World Series. Re-made on the fly for 2005, they repeated and perhaps exceeded the dramatic Wild Card chase of the year before. Now they have repeated as NLDS winners, doing it in 1 game less (sort of), but more importantly from a historical perspective, doing it by erasing the extra-inning loss of 1986. That game is no longer the longest post-season game ever and arguably no longer the greatest game ever played. Those monikers now belong to Game #4 of the 2005 NLDS and the story ends with an un-fucking-believable win for the Astros.

But enough of looking back. We are in uncharted territory here people. The 2005 Astros have the best starting rotation in the playoffs, and perhaps the best bully (I am too unfamiliar with the AL clubs to make that claim unreservedly). Assuming that MLB doesn’t fuck us over by flipping the schedule, the Astros are poised to put their best feet forward in the NLCS, and the 3rds will have to be at their peak to deal with it. There is no doubt that they will give their all and then some, but what do they have to give? (more…)

In the middle of the 18th inning Sunday, after watching eight-and-a-half scoreless frames from behind the right field foul pole in Minute Maid Park, my dad told me that he felt like something was about to happen. I asked him, “good or bad.” He wasn’t sure.

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By Craig Elliott

Alright, alright, alright, we’ve got the Babyshit Braves on the chopping block and Scrap Iron is sharpening the axe. And I don’t mean one of those pussy tomahawks either. I mean a big-ass double-bladed headsman’s axe. Let’s have no return trip to Atlanta this year; just chop their fucking heads off and send ‘em back on ice.

Roy Oswalt had a masterful performance Saturday, despite getting rattled by the cheesedick umpiring early in the game. But after that it was pure Roy, and the huge bats of Ensberg, Lamb, and Biggio.

These Babydick Braves are cute and all, but their run ends here. It’s time to show the killer instinct and put these guys down. Do it right now, and only one team flies back to Atlanta tonight.

When:
Sunday, October 9, 12:00 p.m. CDT - ESPN, KNWS

Where: MMPUS

Good crowd Saturday, but there sure were a lot of stretches when you could hear a pin drop. Maybe they were all being nice like the Chronicle said to. I hope the place is so loud today that Hudson’s chin pubes curl.

And what’s up with that? Tim Hudson has a vagina patch growing under his fat lip. Maybe he’s trying to shape it into home plate or something, but it ain’t working. Call it Chin Muzak.

(more…)

By Craig Elliott

I guess it was inevitable that we’d get beaten by Some Fucking Rookie once in the series, but a second-inning curtain call? I’m surprised Chipmunk didn’t get one in the ear after that.

Anyway, we’re back in Houston with homefield advantage, and there’s no reason to go back to Atlanta. With two wins we can wrap it up at home, and send this pack of hayseed fuckwits back to the doublewide.

This is the crucial game of the series, and we’ve got Roy going up against a guy we’ve hardly seen before. We let Smoltz stay in the game way too long Thursday, so some early runs today could be key. The earlier we can chase Sosa and start busting up the bullpen, the better.

When:
Saturday, October 8, 6:30 p.m. CDT - Fox, KNWS

Where: MMPUS

Home sweet home. Fuck the drizzly-ass Ted and its miserable tomahawk chumps. Minute Maid with the roof closed is more like it. And remember, whenever you see a fucking bandwaggoner with a Braves hat at Minute Maid, that’s a ticket that one of us could have had.

Those of you who are fortunate enough to be going to the games this weekend, remember that you’re representing a lot of us. I’d give Foghorn’s nut to be at one of these games. So when you’re cheering for Roy, or Bidge, or Bagwell, or when you’re yelling filthy shit at Bobby Cox, go ahead and yell a little louder. You’re speaking for me too. But if you touch a live ball and cost the Astros a run, I never heard of you.

(more…)

The Ted Gets a Good Rogering

By Craig Elliott

Christ, I didn’t know the Braves’ uniforms came in Candyass Red. Those things are uglier than an Otis Nixon Look-Alike Contest. Maybe that’s the color you have to wear when you go deer-hunting in Georgia.

Anyway, nevermind the Braves’ poor fashion sense, because Andy Pettitte shut ‘em down and Morgan Ensberg had 19 singles in a huge win Wednesday.

It was only a first step, to be sure. But every journey starts better when you kick the Braves right in the nuts. The Astros had more singles Wednesday than a Vegas stripper on Dollar Lap Dance Night, and the worst part is that it could have been 20 runs instead of 10. So we’ll pick those up today.

As I mentioned in the Gamezone, I had my own surreal battle with adverse conditions to watch Game One. We’re fixing up our house to sell, and we’ve had handymen crawling all over, hammering on things and scaring the cats. And Wednesday was the day to paint the living room.

So we pushed all the shit into the middle of the room, and told the painters to be careful of the electrical cords. I had to sit about 3 feet away from a 32-inch HDTV, with my computer monitor squeezed in between. Plus, the paint fumes were thick, and one of the painters was a Braves fan. During the eighth inning he decided we needed to unplug the TV so he could paint around the wall socket. So I helpfully provided a play-by-play from the computer.

But that was yesterday’s game, and we can’t get cocky. A stumble tonight makes it a three-game series. On the other hand, an Astros’ victory means the Braves are on the ropes with Roy Oswalt climbing onto the turnbuckle.

When:
Thursday, October 6, 7:00 p.m. CDT - Fox

Where: The Edifice of Greed

Everyone probably gets to rest another day, because this one’s going to be a rainout. Tropical Storm Tammy has moved in next door, and everybody’s gettin’ some. Wear a raincoat.

(more…)

By Craig Elliott

Well it took a little more drama than was totally necessary, but the Astros popped the Cubs just hard enough and held on to the wildcard. Playoff time, baby! Fuck the Phillies, fuck the Mets, they’re all just color analysts now.

The Astros have knocked off everyone else in the NL East, so now we can make it a clean sweep by dumping the Braves. The Atlanta Cocksucking Braves. Don’t be misled by all that rookie talk. These are still the same moronic-chanting, wide strike zone-having, ugly as Bobby Cox’s ass, rocking on the bench, motherfucking Atlanta Braves.

But still, they do have some young sprouts. I mean, a couple of these guys are so young, their girlfriends are totally still in love with Chipper Jones. And they have to get Julio Franco to take them to R-rated movies. Which is handy, though, because he can get the senior discount.

When:
Wednesday, October 5, 3:00 p.m. CDT - ESPN

MLB Extra Innings - Knowing my cable company, I’m probably already getting charged for next season.

Where: The Edifice of Greed

Even if they hang bunting all over it, The Turd is still the same old shithole. The only difference is that there may be fewer empty seats this year because of all the hoo-hah over the rookies. And despite the heavy coat of gloss, there are still some cracks showing in the Braves’ lineup. After hitting his 50th homer, AndrUw went 4-for-47 with no extra-base hits. And the team itself finished 7-12 over its last 19.

(more…)

“Hey Greg Lucas, recognize who in the hell you’re interviewing?”

At least that’s what I was thinking while I was still sitting on my couch, watching the Astros jump around in full on clinch mode and avoiding the various chores that a man with a pregnant wife has (going to the grocery store, replacing the siding that Hurricane Rita relocated from the side of my house, personal grooming, etc, etc). (more…)