This just in: The Reds suck. They say that pitching and defense win championships, and Cincy has none of either. I now wouldn’t be surprised to see them finish last in the pool of drowning souls that is the NL Central. Call me a homer, but I see the Astros as the only team that has adequate function in all of its limbs. The Co-ards have concerns about 4/5ths of their rotation and most of the bullpen; the Cubs (last night excepted) cannot score runs despite Sammy’s recork…errr…suregence; the Reds…well…we’ve just seen how inept they are at most aspects of this game; the Pirates are dealing away anything of value and weren’t very good before anyway; and the Brewers - surprisingly my pick of the best of the also-rans - will never really challenge for the top but may well finish 4th (a lofty height for them).

Of course, a run of fixtures like the Astros are enjoying will make any half-decent team look like the Yankees. There should be no apologies for this. The Astros can only play who they are told to play, and the Jakes get to see the same shit eventually. When it’s all panned out in September, someone will win and someone will not and there can be no crying over the schedule. What is making the difference right now is the Astros record in their division: +14 compared to +3 for STL. When you consider that the head-to-head is 6-5 in favour of the Astros, you realise what a god job they’ve done dispatching the Central. They’re doing what it takes to win the division and that’s what this part of the season is all about. (more…)

If Miss Cleo had announced in spring training that, at the All-Star break, the Astros’ No. 1 and No. 2 starters would be 11-14 and the Cardinals’ No. 3 and No. 4 hitters would have 55 home runs, most people would’ve expected Houston to be eating St. Louis’ dust. Instead, at 50-44, the Astros sit precariously atop the Central Division, leading the Cardinals by one game and the Cubs by three games.

(more…)

Predictions, my friend. Predictions.
When we last saw your Houston Astros, they were busy accomplishing their season-long goal of clinching the season series with the Pittsburgh Pie-roots.  This “outstanding” accomplishment also allowed the Stros to relax during the All-Star Break with a one game lead over the Co-ardinals of San Louie and three games over the hapless Cubs. (more…)

2003

When we started this website 9 months ago, we had one goal in mind?to waste your time as well as our own. Thanks to you, the loyal TalkZone denizens, we’ve done just that. The fact that you stuck with us through the heartbreak of losing the legendary Astrosconnection, the “dark ages” before we were up and running, and the early trials and tribulations of getting this puppy off the ground is testament to not only your enthusiasm and loyalty but to your lack of responsibility as well. So with coming of the first All-Star Break in OrangeWhoopAss history, so too arrives the very first annual Academy of OrangeWhoopass Arts and Sciences Awards, or simply, The “Waldos”.

Before we proceed, it’s necessary to say a few words about our legendary mentors, the Batman to our Robin, the Yogi to our BooBoo, the George Washington to our Alexander Hamilton?.Kevin and Scott. Kev and Scott not only filled our brains with guidance and strategy, but they have also graciously allowed the use of many of the TZ features that we have all come to know and love. Their generosity has allowed such classics as Pine Tar Rag and Bleacher Rap to continue to delight and thrill audiences from coast to coast. For that, we are forever grateful. Party on, dudes!

And now, without further adieu, we proudly present the winners of the inaugural Waldo Awards?the envelope please?

WORST PRESEASON PREDICTION
Cam Bonifay

During the regularly scheduled preseason pooping matches and sizing up of the competition, the renowned Pirates fan boldly made this prognostication:

“Well the Pirates will finish above Houston, but the Reds and Cubs above Houston is a stretch.”

BEST OLD MAN SMACK
Andyzipp

After getting all nostalgic, wondering about destination of his lost youth, Jim R pondered, “was I ever 23?” Andy fired back:

“No, you were XXIII” (more…)