submitted by Neil T
Handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Berk Lanceman sat in the well-appointed office of the Astros’ Director of Public Relations, Miss Lola Laloush, deep in the Astroplex in Minute Maid Park at Union Station. From all around him he could hear the faint whir of hard drives and the tap, tap, tap of computer keyboards as the coldly efficient Astros management, led by the evil genius Mike Fast, carefully calculated the probable outcomes of a Jose Altuve bunt with two men on and no outs. Across the polished mahogany desk sat a particularly beautiful woman, tall, slender, with a sweep of dark hair setting off her red St. John knit. Her long fingers tapped impatiently against the richly figured desktop.
“Captain Berkman, you are speaking to me and not the Director of Operations because we view this first and foremost as a public relations matter. We do not want your law enforcement officers doing a grab and grope on every fan who enters one of our ladies’ rooms.”
Remembering his manners, Captain Lanceman removed his silver 3X Stetson and set it brim up on a mahogany side table. Having only recently saved the nation-state of Texas from the Canadian Jade Helm 15 invasion, Captain Lanceman was now on his most important mission. “I assure you Miss Laloush, I need do no more than look at a man dressed as a woman to know something is wrong. I am a trained law enforcement officer.”
Her polished nails swept an errant strand of hair from Miss Laloush’s eyes, and Berk Lanceman couldn’t help but feel a momentary thrill. “You said ‘I,’ Captain Lanceman. Is it only you?”
“Yes ma’am. One restroom, one Ranger.”
“You understand, Captain, that Minute Maid Park has more than one women’s restroom?
“Ma’am, you are not taking this seriously. I hope you understand that I have four daughters. I don’t want them sitting in a stall while some troubled man sits to pee right next door. If I was standing at a urinal and looked at the fella next to me and he had lady parts, I don’t know if I’d ever recover. Can you imagine what it would do to a young lady to know there’s a man sitting in a stall, instead of standing at a urinal like God intended?”
“Captain Lanceman, don’t you think that transgendered men are using women’s restrooms now?”
“No ma’am. That would be illegal. This so-called Hero ordinance makes it legal for womanly men to walk into women’s restrooms and expose their manly parts to my female daughters with impunity. It makes it legal and I, Berk Lanceman, am here to stop it.”
“Mr. Lanceman, there are laws against indecent exposure, and our regular season home games are over.”
“Yes ma’am, but there are always the playoffs.”
And that was the real heart of the matter. Did handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Berk Lanceman care if some guy in a dress used the ladies room? Not really, but there was a chance that the Houston Astros could face the Toronto Blue Jays in Houston in a play-off game. Ruggedly handsome Captain Lanceman was here to save Texas from the Agents of Canadian Agression. He planned to be here, ostensibly on bathroom duty, to lay a trap for his arch nemesis, the Canadian. He would catch him at last, and with this bathroom ruse the Canadian would never see him coming.
Meanwhile he had to convince this woman in this richly furnished office that he was there for a completely different purpose. She was a good-looking woman though. At least there was that.
So this is my last recap for the season, and I’m supposed to write some maudlin stuff about how come whatever I’ve loved them. T’ain’t true. These guys have given me fits most of the season, I have spent entirely too much time watching baseball, and they have taken this business entirely too far. I want to be watching more baseball next week. They need to take care of business.
And last night they did a pretty good job of it. Correa hit his team record 22nd home run, breaking Lance Berkman’s record. He missed the cycle by a double. But as he said, it’s not about him and his accomplishments.
The Astros were 9 for 18 with risp. The 9 missed chances were all with Altuve at the plate. Altuve was 1 for 4 with 2 RBI, and has 195 hits for the season.
Springer, Valbuena, and Rasmus were 2 for 4 with hot dates with Homeruna, and of course everybody got hits. The D-Backs starter, Rubby De La Rosa, made it through three innings, gave up 4 earned runs, and started on my fantasy team.
Meanwhile, over at the mound, Keuchel forgot he wasn’t at home and pitched 6 innings with 2 earned runs for his 20th win. Thatcher, Velasquez, and Feliz closed it out. Feliz gave up two earned runs, but iI don’t think it was a save situation.
Thanks to BG and Arky for joining me at the Armadillo Palace for the venison Frito Pie. It later demanded two Tums, but was very good. It mignt not be better than the Frito pie at Avalon Diner (which might have some cinnamon in the chili), but it’s different. And it’s very effective.